Talking about depression
My depression creeps up on me and then overwhelms me. Good
friends may notice sooner than I do but my response to their concern is, like
my depression, cruel, harsh and very judgemental. Anxiety can wake me at 3 and stay until tea
time....
Since 1999 I have had a number of episodes of troubling
depression – I don’t want to put a number to it – more than 3 sounds like a
real failure..
I can clearly identify the first time I finally succumbed to
the anguish of low mood, low energy and hopelessness. My GP at the time was
marvellous and I found a truly sensible therapist. She and I worked together
for 3 years to establish patterns and behaviours that resulted in my
depression.
It wasn’t an uphill path it was a journey of ups and downs, I
still worked and no one really knew at work about my issues.
The most recent episode of distress was much more troubling.
My GP did not recognise my problems and i am still waiting for the appointment
for “Talking therapies". That was in March 2013, I completed a questionnaire
that asked about thoughts and feelings – I was worried about myself, I was
waiting for someone else to mirror that but it didn’t come from the GP.
I found myself a counsellor and that helped a great deal but
by November I was irritable, angry, troubled, conflicted and had no energy. I
went to the GP first thing on a Monday morning, he was direct and matter of
fact. Take the tablets, he said, what else can I do and why else are you here?
His directness made all the difference – I took the tablets
and clawed my way to recovery, able to see the wood for the tress, identify the
issues and apply and obtain a new job.
I am learning about self compassion and how that settles my
turmoil – I am getting there but need to recognise how to look after myself and
not push myself to places that will trip me up and tip me into the dark,
despairing place, no light, no colour.
Poetry and daily writing practices help, a connection with
family and friends help connect me to those who remind me of my worth. It isn’t
easy but it’s not as hard as it used to be...
